“Don’t Die, I Love You!”

The young tabby is trying to explain to me that it's not cool to be grabbing at her all the time. Then her mom shows up and she says, "I gotta go, my mom's here and she doesn't trust you. See you around!" As the young tabby leaves with her mom, I wave and call out, "Don't die, I love you!"

I was struck by the existential crisis that my little friend and I are a lot alike. We’re both set in our ways and like hanging out with our moms but to be fair I don’t go to wherever the cats hang out and sit there being adorable until they want to invite me into their crawlspace or whatever only to be like, “Nope, byyyyye!”

The mailman told me his daughter is into cats and says when a cat likes you they’ll emit a chemical and they bond with you for life. I’ve told this cat I still want to know her when I’m 60. She vaulted off me, purred, and untied my shoe. She’s really good at that chemical thing.

Beyoncé Made Me Do It?

I get up in the young tabby's face as she's eating and tell her I got her something, and that Beyoncé says if you like it put a ring on it, so I got her a harness. The young tabby calls for freedom and clings to the porch railing calling for her mommy. I mention I could be her radiator mommy.

I don’t offer to be just anyone’s radiator mommy. Yes, I did really do this, she is that cool with me. I CAN DRESS HER!

And when I took the harness off her, she didn’t run away, she just sat down and looked at me like, “Did you get that out of your system? Can I eat in peace now?” Which is a step up from one year ago tonight when she bounced off the walls of the house, sat on the toaster growling at me, and then took off for a week. I would squeak at her from the porch and she would look like, “I’ll come back when you’re gone.”

More on her mom in the exciting next adventure.

After a Few Doughnuts….

I run up after The Fluffy One, who is revving up to jump the fence. I tell him noto to jump the fence and pick him up. We look at a cat on a porch on the other side of the fence and I point out he looks like my sons and their papa after he had a few doughnuts. The Fluffy One scratches my face and yells, "How you can say this? The brothers do not look like the hobo invaders! I will cut you!" Meanwhile, the spirit of M'man appears to chime in that the hobo cat doesn't look like him or his girls.

30 years ago I adopted the greatest doughnut-loving cat in the multiverse, and today I honor him with this weirdness.

This did happen, though. There’s a hobo cat who sits on the neighbor’s porch and he’s very talkative and cute but The Fluffy One sees him as a threat, as all dopplegangers are, and tried to jump the fence to get to him. Unable to fight his doppelganger, he demonstrated what he would do using my face. It was adorable because The Fluffy One is adorable and I didn’t get scratched that bad.

It does put my mind at ease that The Ninja Twins never got to meet their Papa Sleeve, however. In my mind black cats everywhere would be my idea of a good time, but m’Man and the bros would probably be freaked out.